mostlygood3

Winter 2009

2009-12-18T00:35:43Z

The semester is over and I finished with all A's baby. First time since middle school that that's happened and the funny thing was I didn't feel like I tried that hard, I guess these are the classes I was suppose to be taking all along. So right now I'm waiting for Christmas and New Years; Christmas brings my mom and brother accompanied by my dog Nitro. I'm extremely happy to get to see the little man Nitro, he's one of my best friends. And New Year's brings my trip to Hawaii, I can't really say I'm even excited about the trip because I just know it's going to be unbelievable. I love Hawaii and don't think thoughts of a good time would do it justice.
So I sit and wait till then, I've found myself reading a little more finally, I can't lie when I say I hate reading most books and I find it a chore but know that to be more well rounded you need to read. The weather here has been less than pleasurable, it's been raining and cold, which is just bullshit for Florida. I need to keep moving south and just eliminate Winter all together. So with the New Year brings applying for grad. school and I guess waiting to see if this dude from Dallas actually calls me back for this Dallas job, doubtful but we will see. But overall things seem to be moving in the right direction, I know I've said this in posts before but it will be interesting to see where I stand in the next 3-4 months. A little mystery in your life is by far a very good thing, knowing your future makes life less pleasurable.

mostlygood3 @ 2009-11-01T11:15:00

2009-11-01T17:29:57Z

Yes Yes, it's been awhile since I've written anything, it doesn't help when you forget your password into the site. Let's see here, well, school is coming along pretty well, right now I have 3 A's and 1 B which are grades I haven't got since middle school. I have completely lost track of my dreams, which saddens me, but I will get back into them eventually. Winter approaches and I really don't care for the cold but it does drive away the people which I really like. There's something about closing up the gym and just being in a deserted town, kind of creepy and cool at the same time. Football seems to control the south in the Fall, it's all there really is to do. I have found myself getting immersed in it as well. I also find that I miss my train of thought from a year ago, I was more in touch with nature and my surroundings, but it's expectations, worries about time and where I need to be in life that keep me from living the way I truly would like to live. That's why I'm glad I have these posts on here, they bring be back to memories and a state of mind that seem almost foreign to be now. It's good to write, hopefully one day I'll take my trip to the far east and write down my adventures from it, that would be beautiful. I do plan to continue the blogs, I need to get back into the groove of things.

I'll post a picture with my hair soon, It's been 1 year, 1 week and 1 day since I cut it last. It's almost to ponytail length!

mostlygood3 @ 2009-08-10T14:38:00

2009-08-10T19:50:34Z

Been awhile hey? Well I got my instate tuition after forging a signature and getting it notarized, damn I'm good. So I'm down for 12 hours in the fall while working full time. I never did that in college and when I did work and go to school it kicked my ass, but I think this time will be different, I think interest in the class will help tremendously. So the school shit is set, now all I need to do is study for the GRE. But that shit isn't coming along at all, I hate it, I don't want to learn it, math and reading comprehension? Are you fucking kidding me... mann I hate that shit.
Let's see my hair is crazy long now, it's actually pretty cool having long hair. I've got about 3 locals down here training with me at the beach, which is really helping my financial situation. So now all I have to do is ace these classes, get a 1000 on the GRE and I should be sitting pretty, I think I can do it.
Also, I'm taking a road trip to L.A. over Christmas and New Years, it should be pretty sweet.

Used shit quite a bit in that little rant.. must be having a shitty day.

Limbo

2009-06-09T00:20:45Z

Well I'm in Limbo. My Dallas job is still hanging around, but nothing is really happening. I'm trying to start school down here in Florida, but having issues with the instate tuition. So, all I can really do is work and work and stay positive and wait till some job pops up or get my booty back into the classroom. So, I'm just chilling. I've been trying to think of a way to get in contact with Mr. Fay over in Dallas about the Superbowl job, I wrote him over a month ago but never heard anything back, but I believe I've found a nich, I know he recently wrote a book, a scifi book of all things and I've decided to read it and use it as a good conversation piece in my next email. Yea, I think that's a pretty brilliant move on my part, but we will have to see, hopefully I get a reply, I just hate to waste a couple hundred bucks on classes if I'm going to have to drop them in the middle of the semester.
Also, going to Birmingham to see Lindsay next weekend for her birthday, it will be interesting to see how that goes. I really couldn't tell you exactly what to expect. Me and Lindsay should of dated in high school, but it just never materialized, and we we're good friends in college. I doubt anything will happen, but I never can really tell with her.
I seem to dream every-night, of a different future. Every-nights dreams bring visions of a different scenarios that I could find myself in. I really think I'm just ready for a change, actually I know I'am, hopefully that change is coming soon or better yet, I know it's coming soon..

mostlygood3 @ 2009-06-05T15:30:00

2009-06-05T20:43:04Z

Contentment.. That's all I'd like to have, to be content with my life and the position that I hold. I see these firefighters, paramedics and others in the gym just as happy as can be. Oh to be in their shoes. That would be a beautiful thing.

Notes: The college down here is trying to charge me out of state tuition, but I think I can probably get around it, my fucking lower stomach/ lower ab area is killing me in the mornings, I think I might have a hernia. I'm ok once I get going, but I can't turnover at night, it hurts, looks like I should probably get some medical insurance. I also busted the shit out of my toe last night, I think I need stitches, but whatever, I probably had it coming. I fucking hate it when I let life beat me down, I need to stop thinking that way.

I think If I can't get in state tuition, I'm going to Thailand. That should be a good measure of what the universe really wants me to do.

interesting

2009-06-03T00:51:43Z

My foot seems to be 90% better after praying for healing from Raphael the Archangel last night. A very strange thing indeed, I'm now finding myself able to believe in this other world.

mostlygood3 @ 2009-05-24T14:29:00

2009-05-24T20:02:51Z

Symbols, numbers, themes and all this shit seems to come together in the end. That's one thing that those shrooms did give me was a good idea of how it works. I can now see I'm right where I need to be, I'm in this situation for a reason. This is the journey, the end result will come and it will put me where I need to be, but I need to stop getting down on myself, worrying about what's to come and why I'am where I'am. I need to enjoy the ride. Last night me and a group of old buddies were driving home from a restaurant and I was in the very back and my view was the back window of the car. We were traveling down a very desserted road and I was watching the sky turn to black and the trees go by on the side of the road and for some reason, I realized all that effort I put into stressing about life is comical. I had what alcohols call a moment of clarity and it was cool man, it was to cool, all I did was stare out the back with a smile on my face. And then at the gym talking to Donna about her problems and it all made sense, I need to me a counselor. I need to be in school. It just made sense and it was right there the entire time. It was right fucking there, I just needed to go and do this year down here in Florida to figure it out. Now if I can harness my drive into this goal, it will happen and I will be one of the best at it. I just need to make it happen and I will.

Also, I met with Marlene the psychic and it was definitely a conversation I will never forget, probably because she taped it for me. ha. But sense then I've had some kind of strange shit happening to me. I was at my buddy Bruces place, just talking and smoking late at night and I could see him differently. Weird shit man, like me looked different and I could see his energy. It was fucking odd. And I've had this happen with trees and plants on occasion as well. And lastly I've had distorts in my vision, but just occasionally, just like something seems to move or stretch, but it's really hard to explain. It 's odd what this psychic awoke in me. I think I'm finally starting to believe in me and my abilities.

The Fuckin Waves

2009-05-09T20:15:15Z

Well, I've done shrooms twice in the past 9 months with great results. I thought the next time I did them I needed to up the ante and go trip on the beach alone. I've always been a beach guy and felt like something as powerful as shrooms would do me the most beneficial work at a place that I loved. The results were very good and very bad. The results of Thursday May 7th will forever be embedded in my mind. I took 3 grams compared to my regular 2 and casually walked to the beach with my chair, a towel, my video camera and a bottle of diet coke. I sat in a little deserted part of the beach, but then got the idea to walk down to the dunes. It seemed like a a good idea at the time because the shrooms hadnt kicked in yet. It turned into a journey I would never forget.
About half way to the dunes which I would say is a little less than a mile away from my house, the shrooms started to kick in. It was a very pleasant feeling at first. The waves crashing against your feet as you walked was amazing, but about 100 yards from the dunes the heat started to get to me and I decided to plop down in the middle of the desert area and chill. I watched the waves crash beautifully into the shore and the pebbles of sand blow gently in the wind. It was very peaceful. Thoughts came and went into my mind constantly, I finally closed my eyes to find a indian goddess dancing with some-kind of orangish mist around her. Thoughts of the Colombian girls started to come to mind, my senses were instantly amplified, I could smell and taste these Latin girls in my head. It was very lucid. I finally open my eyes and broke out of my vision, I found myself extremely hot and thirsty and that fucking coke just wasn't doing it for me. I want to walk back home but I'm scared of the journey. This long walk seems impossible. I adopt a positive attitude and get my ass up and start walking. And what a walk it was. The walk really can't be described in words, it wouldn't do it justice. I remember the waves, crashing into the shore, I would pass happy families with good vibes and people with bad ones. I remember one girl, who looked about 50 with red highlighted hair, she looked like she had been through hell. The waves had eroded her away. Life was teaching me a lesson. The jest of it was life is a journey and the best part about the journey is not the ending but the time traveling itself. The waves, symbolized the good and bad times we all face. At times when I was walking I was as happy as I would be, then that wave would leave and be replaced with a bad wave. But the message through it all was you have to keep moving. If you stay in one place the waves will wash you away. It was poetry in motion. The world was teaching me using symbols and for the first time I could see it.
I saw my flaws, my lack of drive and ambition, I saw the good in my life and the bad and saw that I could have any future I wanted. I saw my parents and their purposes in my life. This is why I had to do this alone. I learned more about myself that day than I have in years. But I must stress that the waves that these shrooms brought were extreme. Extreme highs with great information and extreme lows, thoughts creeped into my head that I never want to repeat. But that was life at it's finest. It was testing me. These lows were like the demons that we have to face in life. Well, I'll talk about that a little later. I finished the beach and made it to my boardwalk and for a second I felt normal again, it was as if life was giving me a short little breather or a pat on the back for a job well done before I had to return to the shroom world. I make it home and find myself in another set of waves. I'm hot and turn on the A/C but it doesn't cool me, I'm also thirsty but don't or really can't drink water. I'm dirty but don't want to shower. This low I hit at the house was the worst I had ever felt. I strip naked to try to cool off, then visions of suicide cloud my mind, I see the reaction of the people around me to hear I'm dead. The idea seems possible, time doesn't exist to me, every time I look at the clock it's the exact same time or 1 minute later. I begin to think I'll never return to reality. I fight these thoughts by turning on the TV and finding a positive upbeat show and I keep moving, I'm jumping in place and pacing, I feel if I stop moving I'm done for. Then as soon as it was there, it's gone and now I'm ok again. It was like I was running some kind of gauntlet of challenges, like life was testing me to see if I would give in.
I'm ok now, but I'm still thirsty, I for some reason throw my Q-link necklace on the ground and I start to take off my other necklace that my friend Donna gave me, but can't do it. I find myself staring at it in the mirror. I see the symbolism in it. I know that I can't take it off, for Donna is like my mother figure hear in Florida and the necklace was a personal gift she got for me. It's what bonds us together. I then saw my gold necklace that my mom gave me, and I know that I could never take it off either. It represented my mothers love for me and the Christ. The Christ, who was my rock and still is. It was a beautiful moment. The symbolism was so clear, everything made sense, it was so easy to see.
That was the peak of the experience, but the trend continued, with the highs and lows, just like the waves. I saw what I needed to do with my life and many, many other useful informative ideas. It was a day that I can never forget, I felt that life or something was showing me these things for a reason. Mann, I remember at one point in the middle of the trip just standing in the kitchen telling life to, "Show me, I'm listening." And I was shone the way. Mann that journey was so tough, so tough, but that is life, I remember at the lowest low thinking that the Buddha was right when he said, "Life is sorrow." That's why you always have to keep moving and to follow up, I would hate to forget that. I realized that I meet so any people, but always usually decline help, I need to reach out more and make contacts and just let people in, it's the only way. Always follow up Chase.
A beautiful experience that all started on the beach with those fuckin waves.

Quick Columbia Notes

2009-05-05T20:28:24Z

I return from Columbia with what seems to be a a new overall outlook on my life. I'm beginning to see this life for what it is, a continuous strand of opportunities that we can cease or let go by. All this leads to our final outcome. For me my sexual side had always taken a back seat due mostly to by religious upbringing and some sexual experiences of the past. But, what I've found and experienced down in South America is a sexual experience that was accepted and fun. I can say that I really enjoyed the experience. It was just refreshing to express myself openly and freely with a beautiful girl without the use of drugs or alcohol. I find myself returning optimistic and not so sexually driven as I was before.

I met quite a few individuals down there, all of them sharing the same lust for young women. Most are ex-military, living on there pensions. All of them seemed to be good enough guys but most of them lacked any purpose to life at all except sex. I guess if you can get laid at 70 with 20 year old girls them sex could easily be your main focus. I did however meet a couple good guys, there was one guy down there named Ronnie, a black dude from Florida, who was a disabled veteran. I can say he had a really good heart and was a pleasure to talk too. I hope our paths cross again.

On my last day, me and my father were having breakfast and ran across a older gentleman around 75. He began chatting very casually and slowly began to reveal more and more about himself. He had this trusting and positive energy coming from him. There was just something very pure about him. Well it turns out he grow up in Alabama and then lived in a Buddhist monastery for 3 years, which he said changed his life. Well my father starts telling him about how he can't sell his property in Florida, so the guy gives him a bell to wear around his neck and he says to pray and put all your energy into this bell and that the property will be sold. That man was one that just gave me a really good vibe, I don't think I'll ever forget him.

Cool Lucid Dream

2009-04-14T20:44:50Z

I'm riding my black little kids bike up the hill to Jones Valley in Huntsville, Alabama. I spot 2 beautiful birds flying one behind the other, soon the landscape starts to change to some kind of Jungle. The birds appears to be blue and red ( maybe not sure). I realize I'm dreaming. I think the birds are the mythical bird the Phoenix, because it looks like flames are coming out from behind them. I lose the bike and now I'm walking next to this beautiful water, which is light red. The waves splash into the shore and I stick my hand in to feel the water. I remember the sensation of water droplets touching my hand. I suddenly see a basketball hoop floating in the middle of this water (might be a lake, not sure.) I decide to jump for it, I'm guessing it's a good 20 feet high and 20 feet away. I make the jump easily and hang on the rim. I turn around to see a big stone wall. I ask a question about another dream I had earlier. The answer appears on the wall after a short wait. I leave this dream and enter into another I'd had earlier. I'm able to avoid dying because of the information I'd received in the lucid dream. Cool shit.

Easter

2009-04-14T20:26:48Z

Twas Easter in the year of our Lord 2009. I had returned to Dallas to visit the family. My brother was able to acquire some green to my great delight while I was there. I was definitely excited at the prospect of smoking, something that I hadn't done in about 2 months. We decided to smoke right before we went out to a restaurant so we could truly savor the food. The trip went well, the food was great, but the conversation was expectational. My brother, although a pain in the ass at times, thinks very similar to myself. We discussed redirection of conversation. Let me explain... It's a fact that everyone loves to talk about themselves, but me and my brother seem to be the odd exception, for some reason we feel very uncomfortable talking about ourselves, probably because we know nobody is really listening. So we've both perfected the art of redirecting attention away from us to other individuals. My brother is a a non-visual person, he explained it well when he said that he never really daydreams and when he reads he hears a voice in his head talking. Me on the other hand constantly day-dream and when I read I have very vivid thoughts and pictures in my head. This difference and the different environments we had when we grew up, have led to us leading different kind of lives, but strangely we have very similar thought processes. I think it's fascinating and stimulating for the both of us to talk and hear these different and yet very common worlds we exist in.
I'm also somehow able to see glimpses of views from other people's eyes on weed. I can see how they view myself and other people. It's quite a unbelievable experience. I don't know how accurate these glimpses are but when I've asked people about these thoughts I've been told they are right on point.
When our food arrived it was absolutely delicious. I told the waiter that dessert was the best dessert I'd ever had in my life, he laughed at the response. That drug is fantastic when done properly, it's amplifies all the senses and the conscious and sub-conscious mind. Lastly, I came across a change in my consciousness that I hadn't realized before. For the first time I was able to see my progress from a couple of years ago compared to the present. It was truly a good day.

Visual vs. Non-Visual

2009-04-08T00:23:24Z

I just finished reading Aldous Huxley's " The Doors of Perception," I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed the book and found it really cool to read a great mind on drugs. At times I found myself unable to keep up with this man but I'd say 90% of the time I was right with him. He made an interesting point at one point in the book about him never being a visualizer. He said he never had the ability to see the imagines in his head that he read about on paper. This was probably brought about because of his poor vision, but regardless I found this to be very curious and began to wonder if this was one of the key differences between minds like his and minds like mine. I'm definitely a visualizer, a daydreamer, I always have been able to put a imagine in my head and at times find it very hard not to get caught up in this fantasy world that I create in my mind. I'm always lost in dreams, some days I can pick up a book and read it and other days I can't get through a paragraph without losing my thoughts to something else. I wonder, if Huxley couldn't visualize, if he couldn't get lost in these daydreams that so many of us have, he must have been able to concentrate a majority of his time to more productive activities. My focus and concentration are always at odds with my mind and it's visualizations. I couldn't imagine a life without my daydreams, what a strange and foreign existent that man's life was compared to mine.

His Ego Ruined my Night

2009-04-07T23:34:22Z

I had befriended a older gentleman by the name of Craig Roberts in the gym over the past couple months. A little odd to get to know at first but he possessed a very friendly and pleasant demeanor. I soon came to find out that he was the former assistant to the treasurer of the United States and also at one point was a editor for the wall street journal. A very intelligent man specializing in economics. Well, my two co-workers at the gym, Patti and Paul, thought this is would be a good man to chat with since we're in a financial crisis in this country, so I set up a date to have drinks at a local restaurant. My co-workers are a married couple around 50, who I enjoy very much and are always excellent company, but they also wanted to bring a friend who was a professor of philosophy. I agreed to add the extra man to the group because I thought he would be a interesting man to talk too. ( I was wrong.)
The evening started off casually, with a little chit chat, I even got this professor guy to talk about Joseph Campbell for awhile, but after this guy started to drink his demeanor soon changed. Craig was politely going through all the corruption in politics and how he didn't watch Fox or CNN because they're corrupt as well. And instead of listening or politely disagreeing this guy who I will refer to as "fuck," because that's what he is, well he starts telling Craig he's full of shit. This guy starts rambling on and on about God knows what for 10 minutes at a time not letting anyone chime in. Craig, held himself admirably and was composed the whole time. But this fuck really pissed me off, when I asked Craig a question and he told me to hush and not interrupt. I quickly said, " Are you serious?" And then we basically stared each other down for a good 5 seconds before Paul told the fuck to chill out. Anyway this fuck would ask Craig to explain something only to interrupt him half way through and start yelling bullshit. And the whole time he's doing this he keeps stating his credentials over and over, basically telling us about his superior intellect. So a little later I ask Craig another question and this fuck says, " What the fuck are you talking about?" Dude, I went into that night excited to talk to both these men and I did enjoy talking to Craig but this guy really got on my bad side. The close mindedness of this individual was astounding. I can't imagine someone like this teaching other individuals about philosophy, mythology and theology, it scares me. This guy probably could quote all the great minds but didn't seem capable of practicing anything that they taught. What is the fucking point of reading all those books only to boast one's ego?? This individual really ruined the night, I would expect that cock-sureness from a rich aristocrat, but I thought a professor of philosophy would have more humility, but his ego had consumed him. What a sad existence to be blessed with a mind to learn and absorb all that knowledge only to use it for personal gain.

Easter Approaches

2009-03-30T21:44:56Z

Easter is right around the corner and I wonder if my friend Donna is going to live up to her word and actually have me a interview with this businessman down here. The way she built up this opportunity has flooded my imagination with dreams of the good life. I can't deny being enticed by the idea of making 100 plus grand a year and living on the beach. I can actually say for a while my idea of going back to school for my masters totally left my mind, but I need to stay realistic, opportunities like that are rare and to think something of that magnitude comes easily is a big mistake. But still I look forward to seeing if this all plays out after Easter. Other than that I can't really say that to much has changed. I guess Garrett is trying to come and live at the beach with me which would be a little odd to think of me and him as roommates, but I guess that's life. The economy is shit right now and if the kid wants to come and live at the beach for awhile then that's not a problem with me. I'm slowly becoming the typical beach bum, I dress in rags, with long hair, drive a dirty SUV and the back of my car is filled with a skimming board, a football, a basketball and frisbees. I really like the simplicity of the beach, I can say that it suits me almost perfectly.

Fatique + A Quiet Mind = Lucidity

2009-03-25T22:00:54Z

I decide to call it a night at 10, which is very early for me. I'm tired, and know I'll be out pretty quick and within 5 minutes I'm out cold. I awake around 4 in the morning, I'll still tired and close my eyes to return to the dream world. I keep my mind focused and tell myself to remember I'm dreaming. I see the blackness behind my eyes form into a picture and a place. I open my eyes and I'm back in my bed, I close my eyes and watch another scene come into view. This occurs 3-4 times, with each experience being a little different. I finally fall asleep and have a non-lucid but extremely vivid dream. I get up around 9 and wonder what this dream worlds purpose is. I find that if I'm physically fatigued and I let the chatter of my mind fade away that I can actually see pictures form in my minds eye. Never having any control on what I see or where I end up, I just can't help but wonder why I'm able to do this at times and what these visions represent.
It seems like whenever my life starts to fall into the pit of human desire I have one of these amazing dream sequences and it really shoots me back into the right frame of mind. I just hope to understand these visions and dreams better one day and incorporate their meaning into my life.

A Real Home?

2009-03-21T15:42:24Z

The longer you stay in one place you begin to learn and understand your surroundings. I can say for the majority of my life I couldn't wait for the day when I could get up and leave Alabama and Dallas, but here in Florida I seem to of found something of a home. Home.... I've heard that word uttered by almost everyone, and for everyone I guess it means something a little different. For most it entails the place where they grow up, a place with fond memories and I guess some bad ones, but most of all, it's a place where you can go and lay your head and feel at peace with life. To be even more distinct, this usually is a specific place, with familiar people and surroundings. My situation has been quite unique, if I can recount correctly I lived in 8 different places from the age of 12-18 and moved to a new place every year in college. Home for me was always defined as anywhere where I had a place that I could rest my head. Bed, couch, sleeping bag, it didn't matter that was home for me. Now I've started to experience the other aspects of this Home that I've heard so much about. For Home isn't just a house or a city, it's a part of you. I've met hundreds of people who are so proud and fond of where their from and I never had the pleasure to experience this, until this little stint here in Florida. Something about the beach draws me to it, I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's just the beauty of it all, being so close to beach is at times intoxicating. The small town way of life is better than the city, you know everyone and the traffic is non-existent. I do like the city occasionally and lucky for me there's one about 20 minutes away. The positives here seem endless. A man on vacation here asked me last week what it was like living down here, and I think I defined it quite well, I said, " It's a great place to vacation, but a better place to live." Simple but so true.

When did I realize this felt like home?

Out on the boat with my buddies Jordan, Kaleb and Dustin. We ride under the bridge to Panama City Beach and make our way to the beach with the old broken down pier. It's late in the evening and the sun is setting. I'm drinking Dos Equis, because I like the commercials. As I sit and see the sun slowly start to disappear behind this old wooden structure, I can't help but express verbally what a beautiful site this is. I believe I say something along the lines of, " This is so beautiful, I can't believe we fucking live here." Kaleb smiles and agrees, stating that he hopes he never leaves. It was right then and there in my little brain that I realized for the first time in my life that I was content to be where I was.

Mind's Eye

2009-03-07T15:09:20Z

After maybe an hour of constant mind chatter my thoughts finally start to fade away. I'm soon consumed by what I describe as a beautiful silence. As my body shuts down my mind still seems to be firing on all cylinders. I feel something, it's almost like an engine trying to start, my sense of reality starts to disconnect and visual light patterns begin to flood my mind's eye. These colors and shapes soon emerge into a picture of a bed, a very unique bed that I remember quite vividly. The sheets are a checkered pattern with white and green being the theme. The out-lying frame is metal, although I'm not sure what kind of metal it is, maybe copper or brass because it appears shiny. The room itself looks futuristic, the walls are a light purplish color with granite on the floor. For some reason I feel compelled to change the granite floor to carpet. I try to focus on the floor and turn it into carpet. I do this but can't seem to find the right color to complement the walls. I soon awake.

What a strange little vision...

Note: Found it extremely difficult to quiet the mind, but when I finally did I could think of no better feeling in the world. It truly was a beautiful silence.

Cleansing my Doors of Perception

2009-03-02T20:52:57Z

Dreamed of traveling last night. I know this is a yearning to escape my current situation. Also dreamed of moving in slow motion, which is probably my most consistent dream problem I have. It's defined as having a hard time or great deal of stress in waking life. I seem to have slipped into this funk to which I can't seem to find my way out. I watched myself indulge and lower myself to astronomical lows. And the whole time it seems like the more I became aware of the situation the further I was consumed. I believe it to be a fact that you can't really help yourself until you hit rock-bottom and rock bottom was all day yesterday. I finally awoke today feeling normal, I sat in bed and looked back on my past weeks of existence and could only shake my head and laugh. The same pleasures that were driving me for weeks now looked so juvenile. I guess all you can really do is laugh it off, I know I'm young and occasionally I let the little things in life really eat at me just like everyone else and when alcohol is consumed these problems seem to expand to larger than life situations, but in reality they are just fabrications from my own mind trying to justify my position in this life.

I feel good today, I believe good things are headed my way.

Blahh

2009-02-21T00:40:42Z

Awaiting a reply from Mr. Fay of the 2011 Superbowl committee. Apparently I've secured a spot as a intern on the committee team, but as usual these business men like to make people sweat it out. He emailed he last week asking if I could start in March and then said he would call me by Friday, and now Friday has come and almost gone and not a word from Mr. Fay. I myself don't seem to bothered my the situation, the only thing that erks me is the lack of honesty in these men, if you say your going to call a guy to inform him of a job offer by a certain date, you should do it. My mom seems more anxious about the decision than me, apparently she's pushing her friend at work to get a answer. I believe her lack of patience and at times authoritative personality is her greatest flaw, it's one of reasons she got divorced and the reason she'll probably never get remarried, but know matter how much I try to show her the light on her behaviors she always brushes them off telling me that the only way to get ahead in this world is to push to get your point across. I guess she's right in a way, aggression is needed at times, but only in small doses. Sooo I await my fate here at the beach. If for some reason this job doesn't work out, I wouldn't mind staying here in Florida, I was going to apply for a lifeguard job this summer and work part time as a trainer, which would be a fucking sweet gig. Either way I'm ok with whatever the outcome, I do find myself leaning toward wanting to move to Dallas, I like changing my living arrangements every year or so.

Dreams suck dick, I dream every night but haven't written anything down in about 2 weeks. Dream test, and recall have been shit, my thoughts are that of the common man, I have no dedication lately. I'm pathetic.

Hair is so long and annoying, I definitely don't want to cut it, but I keep having dreams of it getting cut, which scare the hell out of me, I wake up and rub my head every morning to make sure it's still there. I've just come to far with the hair, it's been around 5 months and I think I would actually physically assault someone if they cut it.
Writing skills have gone to shit too, I haven't written much in weeks, with this damn job on the horizon and the excitement of actually having chicks down for spring break have dominated my weak mind. I really need to refocus on my efforts.

Workouts are going good, they seem to be the only thing I'm doing well at the moment..

Just thinking on paper

2009-02-12T05:50:31Z

10 days on, now 4 days off. The weather has started to warm and my mood and energy levels seems to have increased. I'm now charting my workouts and really hitting the gym hard, and why the sudden change in the workout routine? I have no idea, a good excuse would be spring break is approaching, but that would be a lie, my best guess is that the seasons are changing. I've never enjoyed winter and spring is a welcome change that I want to meet with a change of my own. Reading has become some what of a pleasure to me now. I find myself putting down 100 pages a day at times, which has never happened before. I've been slowly working my way through a book by a man named Aldous Huxley, a man who's intellect and intelligent dwarfs any that I've ever come across before. The range of the authors knowledge can only be described as vast. I find myself at times lost in thought, wishing that I could think like this man did.

Thoughts still wonder and wonder from subject to subject. I seem to be able to zone out in workouts, which is why I like them, there are no thoughts that travel through my mind, it's almost like mediation. Running and jumping rope are a different stories. I can say 100% of the time I find myself in a fantasy world escaping the reality of the moment. I wish I could keep a empty mind when I run just like I do when I'm in the gym but this task seems almost impossible and not something I really want to give up. ( I enjoy my fantasy worlds.) At the same time my dreams are eerily similar to running, I lay in bed and slowly watch my mind lose itself in a fantasy world, but I'm not helpless to these experiences, I'm usually able to overcome these thoughts with concentration.

I seem to be quite the dreamer, both at night and during the day, I lose myself in pointless thoughts way to much and realize this to be my major flaw and have been making steps to correct it. I can see the results coming through with the reading. I do come to complete attention and seem to be at my best when I'm confronted face to face, whether it be in basic conversation, or listening to others talk. I really enjoy hearing the stories of others and they seem to be all to willing to tell. And yet I'm not willing to tell others about myself, finding that they really could careless in the long-run. People seem to have so many complaints and concerns and yet I seem to have few to none.

I'm slowly watching less and less tv has well, replacing the time with books, I've also just planned a camping excursion with my friend Kaleb. I really seem to excel in this isolated world I have found here. I seem to discover more about myself and what I'm actually capable of. The only negative is the occasional lack of inspiration and boredom.

Distorted Vision?

2009-02-07T18:10:21Z

I'm asleep but something awakes me, I open my eyes to find my vision distorted and my body movements slowed. I've had this vision problem before in dreams and every previous time I just ask for clarity and my vision is restored. I believe this to be a false awakening (a dream) and ask for clarity in my vision, but nothing happens, I still can't see. I'm finally able to control my body and get up and walk around but I still can't see much. I look around as best I can to see that I'm in my room and everything appears to be normal. I now believe this isn't a dream and that I really have a problem with my eyes, I grab my phone and mange to call a friend to come help me. I sit down in the corner rubbing my eyes, I start to get scared fearing that I might never see correctly again. At my heightened state of panic, I awake in bed with normal vision. "

Note: This is the second night in a row that I've had this same problem. Not to sure what is going on or how to deal with it.

Out of Place?

2009-02-05T01:19:03Z

Out of place, me? Of course, it's been my life story or at least the major theme behind it. Growing up in Alabama I never felt like I belonged. I never adopted the customs or the love for the land like most do that hail from that region. Now did I feel like an outsider, no, I meshed just fine and adapted like a pro, but I always knew there were bigger and better things for me outside that pig of a state. As of now, I've only just barely jumped the border to North Florida, but it's a welcome change. I've been at the very high end resort training and socializing with high end clientele and in my mind I thought I blended in quite well with these types and for the most part I do. It wasn't until recently that I started talking to some of these guys and finding out that their products of John Hopkins, Harvard, Oxford, Stanford ect... I mean these are the best institutions around and I'am talking to them about Auburn. But what I lack in prestige I find I make up with in wit and charisma. Most of these guys like to come in and shoot the shit with me for 10 minutes or so. Now I can tell immediately by the way they talk and joke that we come from different places, but what most of these guys lack is that sense of humor and that wit to make comical remarks. I might even say they enjoy talking to me because they like having a cool friend, and yes I think I'm a cool dude. I just think the situation is cool, my whole life I was surrounded my lets say not the brightest individuals and now I'm surrounded by some of the most successful. Aww yes, life is strange indeed. As I look back on my past and the present I see that I came out of all my situations quite resiliently and with good friends at each stop, but I still haven't found that place where I feel like I'm home. I'm still looking for that feeling of contentment, a feeling that can only be found by a man that has found his true calling, his soul's purpose.

Just a Dream

2009-01-25T16:30:36Z

After drinking 5 beers at the bar I finally rested my head down on my pillow around 3 am. My dream recall and clarity seems to increase with alcohol for reasons I have yet to discover. I awake multiple times unable to remember much until I finally get back to sleep around 6 in the morning. I dream I'm unloading a truck for a friend of mine who is a fighter. I then seem to encounter people that I know except in different situations. Friends that I know that are single are now married with children. I've had dreams like these before, where I dream of people and daily occurrences that I had experienced the day before. Pretty much just a mesh of memories that combine into a dream. Where this is where it gets weird, I run into a friend of mines ex-girlfriend named Jonie. She is around 45 years old and she has a daughter there. She gives this daughter a drink of this blue liquid, she says that it's similar to shrooms. She then offers me a little bit as well and I partake. The daughter is a unique beauty. Her hair is Brown with hints of red. She has pale skin with freckles in-circling her nose but has one of the most captivating faces I've ever seen. After drinking the potion, I can actually feel the affects of the drug. This girl smiles at me and embraces me and tells me to hold her. We look at each other and smile, I feel intoxicated my this unbelievable high, I don't want it to end. The girl tells me that I'm different than the rest. I'm extremely happy to hear this, I hold her tightly till I awake.

Note: A very beautiful dream, I awoke this morning with a smile on my face. Although I wasn't lucid I would feel the blue potion throughout my body. Very vivid, very cool.

My Friends

2009-01-24T15:59:20Z

People and the lives they lead, it's become an all to common occurrence that I find myself caught up in the arms of stupidity. The friends I have are by no means enlightened thinkers or even trying to make an effort to improve their quality of life. I've had Erik and his roommate Kreiger down here for 2 days and for 2 days they've been drunk only shutting up long enough to ask me to find them weed or a girl. And people wonder why I like my solitude, questioning the reason and logic behind it. I get so much more out of life without people like this invading my world. These humans gather together and dwell in their sorrow and pity and that's not me. Now that being said, I know where they are coming from, I did at one point in my life drink to much and proceed at every chance I got to get laid, but I grew out of it or to put it better, I realized that life wasn't worth living. I have prided myself on not letting differences and character flaws restrict me from befriending or ending friendships, but sometimes these guys make it difficult, I feel more like a babysitter than a buddy most the time, but it's part of the journey. The experience gives me tolerance, patience and a look into these guys worlds. What they disclose about themselves while intoxicated is astounding and I think they appreciate that I will listen and give them feedback. Now would they listen to me if I needed to talk, no, but I haven't ever really came across a mind that likes to listen like myself. I dream of one day having friends with a strong intellect and open hears, but for now my friends are mostly simple people with common desires and that's ok, I don't mind. In the end these experiences will make me into the man I need to be.

Shroom Notes

2009-01-20T22:37:23Z

How and why does this drug work so well? I know most people who haven't ever ventured over to the drug world would condemn the action and most people I know use shrooms for kicks and giggles. But if you allow it to work it's course you can have some of the most meaningful and inspiring conversations you could ever believe. When someone asks me to describe the experience I tell them that it's the way life is suppost to be. You live in the moment, you aren't waiting for the future or dwelling on the past, your just completely in the moment and it's fucking awesome.
This last little shroom trip I tripped with my step brother Chris and it was really great to see and hear his views of the world and life. I could see how he lives and how his thoughts and actions combined to make up this person. I know that sounds ridiculous but I could see it. To explain this could only be done face to face. But getting past all the analyzing I did, we really had a great time. We laughed alot, we came up with some really good ideas and we really got to talk about life before and after Chris left for the military. We discussed how we were the same individuals, but different now. An overall excellent time if I must say so myself.
The last two times I've done this I like to try and write down my thoughts and good ideas that come to me, but I'm finding it almost impossible to do this consistently. I only manage to get a line down before getting distracted. I find this terribly annoying because some of my best thoughts ever come from that drug and I feel like if only I could transfer them to a paper that I could really get more out of the experience. So next time I think I'm going to trip alone with a tape recorder and just record everything instead of only writing down about 1-2%.

Note: Just some of the things I got down, most are observations, some are weird, some funny, ect...

- Vulchers- saw them on planet earth DVD. Very ugly, nasty low forms of life that feed off the dead. That's what me and Chris will prefer to people who are leachs on society.
- I ask Chris to put in the Jungles and shallow sea dvd of planet earth. His response, " It just doesn't do it for me."
We both found that statement funny at the time.
- I would like to learn to play the piano.
- My slogan if I ever own a beach resort. " Peace and Solitude at a Reasonable Rate."
- Sunkist vs. Fanta. It's a long story, but we both love orange soda.
- I should call my mom more.
- I'm happier living on the beach.
-Sometimes I can't pronounce words right and I think it's only appropriate that I grew up in Alabama.
- I like laughing and making everyone else laugh.
- Obama inspires the Blacks, gives them hope. More blacks will adopt the attitude, "If he did it, so can I."
- Never buy a love seat, worthless couch, had to sit on one all day. Can't sleep on it and not comfortable. A dumb marketing idea that worked better than it should have.
- STD dating. Dating service for people with STD's. A great idea, but there already is a site up, but still a good idea. ( I dont have a STD, just for the record.)
- I really identify with the leopard. Saw them on planet earth dvd. I would like to see them in the wild before I die.
- A throne. Yes a throne. There is one chair in the room that had the best view and also the most comfortable and a funny thing happened when people sat there, they dominated the conversation. Me and Chris agreed it was the best place to sit in the room and made you feel like your in control. That got me thinking of a King's throne, just to sit in a throne at the head of others gives the individual in the chair a sense of power.
- Trees are wise, oldest organisms around usually. Watched a baby owl trying to learn to fly on a very tall tree on the planet earth DVD and everytime the owl fell a tree branch broke it's fall. It really looked like the tree was helping it. Very cool.
- Need to be quiet more and just observe, most people look for some kind of confrontation. You can't keep everyone happy. It's a shame, but a fact of life.
- I can inspire, I need to write more. "To inspire."
- I identify alot with my Uncle Thomas in our people skills.
- " The Perfect High" Thats what I look for on any drug, shrooms, weed, alcohol. That perfect happy medium where I'm in control, but still having funny. I hate it when people try to force me to do more. I also think that would be a cool name for a book or a movie... " The Perfect High.. " Has a nice ring to it doesn't it.